(a review of Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002))
So I wasted some time. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (crappy name by the way), directed by Kaos (same), is one of the dumbest movies I’ve ever seen. Whenever a movie, especially with big names in it, is universally disliked, most tend to see that as an aversion, while I more often than I like see it as a challenge. However, not being that big of a risk taker, I waited until the day when I finally found this movie for 50 cents at a used book store. And I paid exactly the right amount.
First off, I’d like to express my distaste for the idea that everyone and their fucking mom is a hacker when it’s convenient in movies. A, there’s nothing flashy about hacking. B, it takes some serious skill, which even an ounce of research would tell you. And C, you can’t do literally everything you want to do by hacking.
But that’s just a drop in the bucket for this fucking movie. From start to finish it’s nonsense. Terrible story, terrible writing, terrible acting (even from actors you know (I really don’t get that)), etc. The soundtrack guy was totally confused, apparently, as all of the music for the slow scenes was fast paced and vice versa for the heavy action and fight scenes. And the fights! Let me tell you, I’m quite the fucking connoisseur of fight choreography, and this was some shit. Filthy, wet shit. More overblown nonsense than I can handle. Of course there was unnecessary slow mo; this was 2002 after all. That was poorly done as well. And Darth Maul/Toad guy? Ummmm… Ray Park! Yeah, you. Stop saying, “cancel,” when you mean ‘kill;’ you sound like a twat. It was like some future techno speak bullshit that movies from that time kept trying to sound cool with, but he was the only asshole doing it, and just with that one word, but he said it like five million times. “Don’t let them cancel each other.” “Do not cancel the target.” Shut the fuck up.
The logistics of just about everything made no sense. Like I said, the fights, plot, all of that, but to me the worst was the accuracy. Movie cops and henchmen usually bumble about and can’t hit anything they’re shooting at until it’s necessary for them to, sure, that’s something we live with. But I refuse to accept expert marksman assassin whatever protagonists missing their mark constantly. Constantly.
Ballistic was just bad, unforgivably so. I mean this not as a challenge, but as a warning: do not watch this movie. Just don’t bother.
Fun followup fact: the two Game Boy Advance first-person shooter video games based on this film, which came out respectively before and after Ballistic‘s release, were very well reviewed, the first receiving a 9 out of 10 from IGN.